I think I care too much. I'm afraid of judgements and I care a lot more about what people think of me than I should. I'm worried that people dislike/hate me. I try my very best to be nice to everyone so that conflicts don't arise. Is being nice a bad thing? Will my niceness and kindness be a weakness of mine? And that I'd be taken advantage of? I feel like this niceness is becoming a definition of me. It's unpleasant to know that people think I'm nice, but that just sounds awfully boring and like I have no other personality other than being a nice person. My friend told me that the vibe I give off resembles a doormat. Which is kind of undesirable? It's sounds like I'm an extremely boring person that can be stepped all over? I've always felt like I'm an extremely boring person that doesn't attract much attention from people. Thinking that I'm socially awkward and boring which is why people just don't click with me or is just merely an acquaintance. I feel like I'm easily forgotten and mostly invisible. I try my best to talk to people and try to connect with them but I'm probably off their social circle radar. I'm kinda tired of people just thinking that I'm nice and that's the end of it. This insecurity and fear of judgements is overwhelming me. I'm envious of people who can have quite a big social circle with many close friends. I'm not saying I don't have close friends but sometimes these close friends have their own other friends, and I sometimes just feel quite left out. That's when I feel lonely. This is definitely different from being alone. I like solitude. But this is a different thing altogether. I'm a hypersensitive person who tends to over think and feel things too deeply. And it's exhausting being a highly sensitive person because all these emotions just get caught up with me, overwhelming me and make me a mess. It takes a while for me to get comfortable around people and it takes even longer for people to get to know me. Mainly because it takes a while for people to earn my trust? I tend to keep quite a lot of things to myself before things get too much and I need to get everything out of my system. When I'm upset, I like to have my space and I need to wait for the "right" moment to talk it out. Usually by then I'm already an emotional wreck. I take a lot of things personally, and its really bad. I think too much into things. Most people just think I'm a super cheerful person but the truth is contrary to that, I'm actually quite negative. Maybe I'm a bit better now? More positive? Either that or I can hide it better. I don't want cause any problems for people and just prefer to keep my problems and feelings hidden. Which also comes back to what people think of me. I don't want to be a doormat and my friend mentioned that either I have a breakthrough to alter my image or just face the fact that I can't please each and everyone. Sometimes its not worth it to chase a friendship that is not meant to be. I think a breakthrough since appropriate but its not as easy as it sounds. I guess this blog is just a medium for me to express my feelings instead of just bottling up. Its thoroughly exhausting and I don't know what to do to get rid of these feelings.