Late into the night
Mind runs into overdrive
Thoughts breaking the silence
Breaking down the mask
into pieces
into pieces
It didn't occur to me that I could have grown in this short period of time. However, I guess that's what challenges make you do, forces you to step out of your comfort zone and learn. Then, I start to wonder, must we go through pain in order to grow?
There's too much negativity on this site recently, so here's one of my favourite songs covered by Dodie and Orla! My love for Dodie is infinite! Spreading some positive vibes for the month of March because January and February of 2017 haven't been that great. CHIN UP GIRL!
Even Castles made of sand, fall into the sea, eventually.
There have been many times I will fall into a rut and form a pity party for myself, usually during the midst of the school semester when the stress gets overwhelming. I've recently read an article on thoughtcatalog (its pretty addictive even if some articles aren't all that great, but mostly relatable for me), and I agree to the writer's standpoint. (Becca Martin's articles on the site are pretty well written actually) More often than not, I pick at my own flaws and insecurities, I'm not entirely sure if its me overthinking things, but in these situations, I fall into this trap of self-pity and I guess hatred for myself and the world? Be it physical appearance, or times where I feel that I'm not enough, I'll fall into this state of depression (maybe melancholy is a better word, because I don't think I'm depressed? like you just happen to have bad days). I will hide, avoid human interaction and all forms of communication. I guess in a way I'm trying to shy away from the real world and just want to deal with these thoughts alone. I feel lonely sometimes, but yet I want to be alone, its a very bizarre contradiction but that's exactly how I feel. Partially because i'm afraid that people might not understand where I'm coming from, being a hypersensitive person and also I'm not that sure who I can really confide in.
I guess the article really puts me into perspective, everyone's obsessed with their own problems and they are not obliged to be there for you every single time. Are words of affirmation really enough to settle my insecurities? Is that really what I want? Most of the times, I don't know what I want and that's an issue. Happiness comes from within and not found in other people. The phrase, "other people have it worst than you do", sometimes its like a reminder that hey, you don't deserve to feel upset about such a trivial thing, its like a first world problem and you're being self-centered, but at the same time, don't we all deserve to have our bad days and feel upset about certain things? Nobody is happy 100% of the time, nobody is perfect and we all have our bad days. As much as your friends and family might be able to cheer you up a little, they're not always there by your side, and you have to realise that the only person you can depend on, is yourself. I guess that's a scary thought as well, its not that you cannot trust anyone, but the fact that not everyone can be trusted. However, the real monsters are still the monsters in our heads and I really hope that I can beat those monsters.
I'm still very lost and I really want to know what my end goals are, this will probably take a while. Well for now, I'll just wish to handle my emotions better and pull myself out of those pity parties I tend to have.
How time has flown by, and its already 2017. 2016 hasn't been easy, but it was a year filled with fond memories too. Stepping out of comfort zones, taking up difficult tasks and experiencing new things. One of which was going for an Overseas Community Service Project to Vietnam, and I never regretted it. Met some of the nicest people, and made friends with some! Really happy to have Rebe, Seb and YK in the team and those late night talks and monopoly deal games! Hope our friendship will get stronger and last a long time! (:
And of course turning 21. Decided not to have a party because, time and money, and the day just passed by like any other. I didn't feel like I've suddenly learnt how to be an adult. And I guess I was slightly disappointed that it was so underwhelming. Still thankful that one group of friends did celebrate the day for me. Turned 21 but I still feel like an emotional wreck, lost and have no idea what I'm doing most of the time.
2016, the year of trying to be fitter and going for my first AND second run! 5km and 10km respectively! Sounds like nothing much but its really a feat for me, considering I hardly even run and exercise before that.
Met up with old friends and feeling blessed to have them in my life. But also wondering, who exactly my true friends are. How do I define close friends. Questions, I have yet know the answer to.
Went for orientation camps as a camp facilitator. Maybe it wasn't entirely the best time, but I didn't regret for trying. It just made me realise, how every person is different and no matter how hard I try, there are times whereby you'll never be able to click with these people. Spent quite a lot of time agonising over this and feeling miserable about it. How much i wanted it to be fun, and how hard I tried to be sociable and make friends. But things don't always work out the way I want it to. And I need to be okay with that. Trying to come to terms with it but its hard.
Taking up a leadership role, even if its not a huge role, but its definitely a huge step for me. There was a lot of self doubt, and I still have insecurities. Worried that i'm not good enough, fear that my team will not like me, having expectations when I know should have none, to minimize disappointments. I'm still working on them and I don't know when i'll ever get over them. Times where I do enjoy what I'm doing but am still overwhelmed by fear. How much I want to be close to people and want people to depend on me but it turns out, my need for affirmation and my insecurities really got my brain to overdrive. When I realised, the real monsters are the monsters in my head. Overthinking got me emotional and sensitive. And I really hate that.
My intense need for people to like me. How many times, I've actually felt left out, not entirely sure if its caused by my overthinking or it really appears that way. Always putting people on the pedestal and tend to put them of higher importance than i am in their hearts. Wondering if my friends, are actually my true friends, or if I'm even close to them. Somehow I always felt like i'm on the sidelines, watching them instead of being with them. That's when I just want to shut down and close myself off from the world. Because no matter how hard I try, I still feel like I'm alone even with my supposed friends in my life. Not sure if people really know me or if I really know them at all. Sometimes, I just want a hug and someone to ask a simple "How are you?"
So for this year, I just want to live happily. Stop overthinking things. People don't owe you anything and they are not obliged to care for you. Your own happiness doesn't depend on anyone but yourself. Do the best that you can, and you know what? If these people don't make you happy, leave them out. Work hard in school, focus on the things that are important to you. Don't let every little thing affect you. And so what if you don't have a boyfriend, or maybe your friends are too busy. You have control over your life and your own emotions. Take a break if you need to, exercise and eat healthily for a healthy body and mind. Just breathe. You'll get to where you wanna be eventually. 2017. You're going to be great. Believe in it. Believe in yourself.
So its been awhile and this post is long overdue. Summer has been really fulfilling for me thus far, and this trip was the first trip I went on right after finals back in April. Though its been about 2 months, I'm still missing the 2 weeks in Hue, Vietnam. In case you didn't know what an Overseas Community Service Project (OCSP, sometimes also called OCIP) is, its basically where we volunteer overseas in an attempt to help the people in need in the community. My school offers a lot of such opportunities and I know such projects are not entirely beneficial and the benefits are not long-lasting or sustainable. It is more of a self-fulfillment trip to say the least. I feel like it benefits us, as volunteers, more than the community there. Exposure to different cultures, a different lifestyle and learning to appreciate the simplicities in life. Its a trip for self-discovery, learning more about ourselves through hopefully beneficial voluntary work.
What my group dIid in Hue was to educate primary school kids English as well as imparting micro finance skills to the local villagers. The micro finance part appealed to me, even though i personally do not study finance, which was why i decided to join this project. I personally do not entirely believe in the benefits of building infrastructures as part of OCSPs, because truthfully how many fences/toilets etc. does a village need? These projects are sustained in a way such that students will go back every year for subsequent instalments. However, if these volunteers were to build the same thing over and over again every year, what's the purpose of that? Maybe some would argue, how much can you teach in 2 weeks? Would the kids honestly benefit from it? Yes, it is true that there's not much we can teach the students in such a short period of time, but I choose to believe that we might have left an impact on their lives which spurs them on. And once again, as I've mentioned OCSPs are truly self-fulfilment trips that benefit us, more than the locals there.
The project I was part of was a pioneer project, so there was actually a lot of things that we have to do to lay the foundation of this project. The team worked really hard, and especially for the programmes team, they had to come up with the lesson plans and materials. As a pioneer project, there were of course lots of hiccups throughout the trip, especially for the micro finance portion. Education wise, we taught 2 primary schools and their standards of English was vastly different. We had to be spontaneous and plan every single night to better suit the curriculum to the different schools' students. As for the micro finance, we had to change it almost entirely since it was too theoretical. Thankfully we managed to improvise and the programme generally flowed quite smoothly after but the first few days were spent being flustered.
2 weeks seemed pretty long in hindsight but in reality, the 2 weeks passed by in a blink of an eye. I guess the time you enjoy just seemed to pass by really quickly. Even though we didn't do many physical labour, I remembered being absolutely exhausted at the end of the day. We taught in the morning and afternoon, and followed by the micro finance lessons in the night. Though there were short breaks in between, the days were definitely packed. I felt that because what we were doing was (sort of) meaningful, it was very fulfilling. Even though we were all tired at the end of the day, we never complained and i guess we all bonded while doing our work throughout the 2 weeks. Initially, I was terribly afraid that i wouldn't be able to click with my team mates, as I didn't know all of them well. I had some acquaintances but wouldn't say we were all that close. Furthermore, there were only 3 girls in the team, me included. However, after the 2 weeks, I'm very thankful that these people were in the team. We've grown closer, and they are all incredibly nice humble, while at least the majority of them. Though I didn't exactly talk to every single one of them, the group dynamics was awesome. I'm hoping we don't lose contact with each other, and continue to meet up and talk about what we're up to. Time spent with them really gives me an ab workout since they're super humorous.
I think one major takeaway from the trip, as cliched as it sounds is learning to be content. Honestly speaking, I wasn't as emotionally attached to the kids as I want to, but they definitely did bring joy in my short time spent with them. One incident that made me so incredibly proud, was how they put in the effort to memorise the numbers 1-20 in English, because I spelt it for them. Their "Good Morning, my name is _____. Nice to meet you. How are you?" really brighten up my day. They definitely made me feel like a superstar when they asked for my autograph and how they eagerly pulled me around to show me their favourite activities, making me read a story in English for them. Thinking about those days, the memories felt so distant yet it also felt like it just happened yesterday. The kids have to be independent at such a young age, one girl was baby sitting her baby sister and they have to help out around the house. Yet, still maintained that childlike innocence and the pure joy they have for life, those little things, really hit me hard. How they can be easily contented with our company and really just the simple things in life. All these with a language barrier. Love really do transcends barriers. Was it difficult to communicate with them, definitely. Sometimes, frustrating even, because there's so much more you want to share with them, and there's so much more about them that i want to learn about. Sometimes, all you can do it smile at them and hope that they feel the joy in my heart too. There were translators, but there's a limit to how much they can help.
Things during that period was just simple and the only thing we have to think about is what to have for our meals. Its like a reprieve and I enjoy the process of getting to know people, since we were kind of forced to be together, we really did enjoy each other's company, joking and working together. We connected without the use of technology and I found that really enjoyable. Face to face time is really the realest. When the trip is over, I have to think about whether or not we will stay close and being back to reality and worry about other responsibilities.
Thinking about all these memories really making me feel a tinge of sadness, and I've been rewatching the video we had for the trip repeatedly. The quote at the end really did hit me hard. "The best thing about memories, is making them." How true it is, because those were the times that were unforgettable, and it'll forever be imprinted in my heart.
music lovin'
Music Lovin' #15 (Can't Feel My Superbass Mash-up - Dodie Clark, Andie Isalie & Orla Gartland)
11:03 PMHello internet humans, its been awhile... BUT I'VE BEEN OBSESSED WITH THESE YOUTUBE SINGERS LATELY!!! THEY'RE SO DAMN TALENTED! So much love that I need to spread it! They're really awesome individually as well so go check out their channels! LOVE LOVE LOVE ANDIE'S COVER OF SHAKE IT OFF AND RIPTIDE ESPECIALLY! Her voice is just so incredibly good and her covers are definitely really different, good different. Dodie is so adorable!!! Her awkward duet with Jon Mozart, aka Paint, is so freaking cute I can't even describe it. (OMG GO CHECK OUT ANDIE AND DODIE'S COVER OF LOVE YOURSELF, you won't regret it) Orla is really talented too! She makes her own original songs and I think she looks so pretty!!! (her covers all have a flair toooooo!) ALL THREE OF THEM HAVE MAD GUITAR/UKULELE SKILLS I'M SO JEALOUS.
yup that's the end of my fangirling moment. but seriously, check them out ;)
ps. finals are coming and SOON SUMMER! WHOOP WHOOP EXCITING THINGS COMING UP!
"Promise me you'll remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."
- Christopher Robin to Pooh, A.A.Milne
Don't be too hard on yourself, turn those negativity stress into a positive force to push you forward, believe in yourself, even if things don't seem to go your way. Keep going, keep breathing.
Hey people on the internet! Happy New Year since this is the first post of 2016! Haven't done a Music Lovin' post in such a long time so I'm back with one! This song isn't new to me and I've been obsessed with Mindy Gledhill's music since 5 years ago or so? How did I find out about her? From watching Michelle Phan's make up tutorials hahahah. Yes I was addicted to Youtube and make up tutorials since 2009 or so and Michelle Phan likes to use Mindy Gledhill's music in her videos and I'm glad since I was able to get to know great talent like hers. I chose this video specifically because she sounds EXACTLY the same live and on her recordings or maybe even better??? I would say her music is whimsical and just makes me really happy when I'm listening to her songs. Her christmas album is pretty great too!
California is a really cute song probably great for a road trip or just travelling in general? Or even when you feel like going on a trip but is not able to... listen to this and imagine where you could go? The possibilities are endless but its just a light hearted song to be enjoyed, kick back and relax while listening to this! Hope you'll enjoy this song as much as I do! Till next time, Toodles!
Another year just flew by and we are all growing older. Since 2015 is coming to an end, I think it would be appropriate to do a post on this past year! 2015 has been quite a year, full of new experiences and changes. From working to entering university, there has been great times and of course some bad times as well. But look at how far we've come, I'm a year older, not sure if I'm wiser but its scary how fast time has passed. I've made a few photo collages, not in the correct order though so I'll just sum up some of the bigger moments this year.
So this were the most liked photos I've posted on Instagram and they're mostly with the people I've met in Uni, from my faculty camp, to project group mates etc. Glad that I've met all of them, even though I'm not the closest with all of them, I'm glad I've met them along the way.
From attending my JC teacher's wedding to working in another company and my first time in a club (even though all I saw was the school pageant since I left at 12am... so is that still counted as a clubbing experience???) some more camps I've gone to and of course my friend's graduation as well as going for HC's Mid Autumn Celebration with my friend who is currently studying in the US.
This is a collage for my Korea trip back in July, which me and my family went to Jeju, Busan and Seoul. It was amazing and I'd love to go back to Korea again! (I know I promised a post on this) And this month, I went back to Jakarta, saw some of my nieces and nephews, who are oh so cute! & me and my sister even went to Pari Island, one of the thousand islands in Indonesia, so that was pretty cool! I went snorkelling for the first time and even saw wild dolphins!!!!! OH & Gigi turned 10 this year! look at the cute photo of her in her christmas outfit ^^ I'm pretty much just rotting at home for the past few days without much plans, resting to get ready for school next week?
My semester in school hasn't been easy, having to adapt to a new system and also being the laziest person I know, my results are not so good to say the least. I'm glad I've met really nice people in school and some people I can say are my friends, maybe not the closest but I hope we can get there, of course I miss my friends from JC and secondary school and with our busy schedules, seeing each other is almost an impossible task. I guess as we grow up we really need to put in more effort to maintain relationships and its then we know who are important to us. & With that, here's my New Year's resolution for 2016:
- Pre-read & Revise for my classes in school (GPA is cumulative and I really need to buck up)
- Exercise at least once a week (I know getting fit is always on the list)
- Eat healthier? (This is kind of difficult to keep to... :l)
- Give back
- Be kind (This is kind of linked to the previous point?)
- Be less judgemental
- Have a better temper
- Procrastinate less!!!!
- Plan!
- Be more thrifty!
- Do something that makes me happy
- Step out of my comfort zone and do something I've never done before
- Be positive and bring joy to people around me
- Be a better leader!
