Goodbye 2017

5:57 PM


As 2017 comes to an end and as clichéd as it is, its time to summarise and reflect on the past year. I believe the first half of the year was a lil emotional (I mean what's new), a lot of overthinking and over reacting on my part possibly. A hell lot of internal turmoil and insecurities surfaced. However, I took a break and distanced myself from people that sorta triggered those negative feelings indirectly. Honestly, these people weren't toxic and its probably a lot of it being in my head, but some people just weren't suppose to be in your life forever, and you probably would have realised that. An accumulation of resentment and grieving over friendships lost but I think over the past year I've honestly learnt to let things go. Does it still hurt when looking back at it, yes, a little. However, I just have to move on and just focus on the good memories. They left a mark in my life and I learnt from the experience. So that's that. 

Had my first internship in a startup and though it was totally not what I expected, but overall the experience wasn't a bad one. The people I've met through it were nice enough, and surprisingly I'm still working for them. Not sure if i'm regretting that decision but it'll be a short stint, so hopefully it'll be a quick and painless one! 

Can't believe i'm in my third year for uni? Where has all the time gone to??? Time needs to slow down a little. The semester was hard even though I only had 4 modules. The number of late nights i've pulled rushing assignments and projects (partially because procrastination. coughs coughs.) However, it was really fulfilling at the same time? I worked hard for those projects and assignments and the end result to me was really satisfying. Grades wise, maybe it doesn't totally reflect it, but I know I did put in my best for those. Still that lazy ass studying wise but in terms of group work, I really worked for those and really enjoyed working with my group mates too. And on that note, I'm part of a startup now??? I'm not exactly sure if i'm considered an intern or what but i'm kinda heading the marketing aspect so that's sorta cool. (super stressed out about it too) It just kinda happened, like one of my project group mates somehow saw some sort of potential in me (this is madness and i'm super flattered) and asked me to join them. Of course I still had be to interviewed by the other co-founder, and that was a whole stressful situation on its own. It really is jumping into unknown territories and I am hella uncomfortable and unsure. But here's to pushing my limits I guess??? Wish me luck and hope I really don't disappoint.

Amongst other cool things that happened this year, I tried out ballet! Really had fun in ballet classes with my friend, Rebe. And so thankful for her to get me on that, its just enjoyable and yes I still can't pirouette but i'll get there. Eventually. Also, had my first half marathon???? Thought signing up for that would force me to get up my ass and exercise more but that didn't exactly happen... I tried though. I really did. And even with the lack of training, I still managed to run 3/4 of the whole thing and survived. A pat on my back for that? 

This holiday was a really fruitful one, worked to earn that moolah and just anticipating new and exciting things to come! Also, my first time travelling to Taiwan! Enjoyed myself there and really miss the sweater weather, the friendly people (some not so friendly ones as well), the language (missed speaking mandarin and watching taiwanese dramas and Chinese songs??? so much of my childhood memories) and the country. 

All in all, I would say 2017 was a pretty good year, even with those sucky parts and lots of self doubt, it kinda closed on a good note? (with some overwhelming news but still exciting nevertheless). I definitely grew a little more and am thankful for those opportunities given to me. Grateful for the people around me, even though I don't have many friends but I've learnt to appreciate them, and those little quality time I get to spend with them. I'm on the road of self discovery and I'm loving it. 

En route to 2018 and the adventure it'll lead me on. Cheers!

personal

Summer'17

10:01 PM


Its been awhile. And my summer break from school is coming to an end real soon. But let's start from the very beginning of it shall we? Before I was even done with my second year of uni, I felt really stressed out and unhappy(this isn't surprising at all?) due to various factors and maybe overthinking too. So during my study week, I just spontaneously asked my childhood best friend to go on a trip with me, because I really needed a break badly. A reprieve of some sort, before internship starts. We went to Bali, explored a little, ate lots of expensive food and climbed a mountain. I think I really needed that and also those 4 days were spent to catch up with my friend. She's awfully busy being an architecture student. Right after, we parted ways and she went back to Singapore while I went to Jakarta to visit my grandma. It was a lot of resting and reading. I felt refreshed at least. And I think, I managed to let go a little about the things I've been stressing about.

I'm really thankful that I managed to find an internship to clear my uni requirement, even though the stipend was not that great. I wouldn't say I hated my job but, its just that I was expecting a lot more, a desire to learn a lot more. So I would say the experience hasn't been as fulfilling as I wanted it to be. Now i'm left with 1 week to go!!! At least, I had a buddy for 5 weeks, out of the 14 weeks I'm here for. The bosses are nice to me so I'm glad. I realised how exhausting working can be, even though I don't do much? All I want to do is actually sleep.

Can't believe how fast time has flown by, caught up with friends who really matter and I think time away from school really helped me clear my mind. Really hope that the new semester would be a fresh start and push me to work a lot harder! I think for this summer, I can really say that I've let some things go (not all but at least some) and really thankful for what I do have.


music lovin'

Music Lovin' #17 (Fly Me to the Moon/Lucky (Sinatra/Jason Mraz & Colbie Caillat MASHUP) Rick Hale & Breea Guttery)

10:29 AM


Recently saw a choreography of Fly Me To The Moon, a song by Frank Sinatra, and it gave me all the feels for his songs, because of all the awesomeness - the jazzy, swing goodness. So not only did I find covers of Fly Me To The Moon on youtube, because listening to people's remakes of the oldie is just so wonderful, but I found this mashup of not only fly me to the moon, but with Lucky too! Can't say enough about my love for Jason Mraz and Colbie Caillat (still butchering her last name by the way), and Lucky just brings back a lot of memories from my OCSP trip (I had a post on the trip itself). I just love how an oldie and a modern song can blend seamlessly together. Currently listening to Frank Sinatra's playlist on spotify because why not??? I would love to go to a Jazz bar someday, and watch a guy play a saxophone with a singer crooning all the jazz classics (how incredible would that be???) I digress, but the focus is on this mash up and Frank Sinatra's amazeballs voice and music. Sometimes, I'd think I was born in the wrong generation but with today's technology I am still able to listen to all these oldies, so I guess that's alright.

personal

Goodbye, insecurities

12:32 AM





I've always been a girl who is insecure and lacks confidence. I have no idea why, but ever since I was young, I surround myself with pillows when I sleep and worry about everything. I had teachers who looked down on me and maybe I live behind my sister's shadow? I'm not saying that I'm not proud of my sister's achievements, I'm incredibly proud to have a sister like her, and she has her own setbacks and expectations too. I'm not entirely sure why but I shy away from the limelight and generally, I feel like I'm never enough.

Was talking to my friend the other day, touching on the topic of insecurities and how they bother me a lot more in uni. I get frequent mood swings and I have a hard time dealing with all the emotions. And her response (shown in the picture) really put things into perspective. I have always been juggling with my fear of judgements and I would always get so upset over the fact that I would always give a lot more than I receive, especially in friendships. I would crave "love" and acceptance so much, and give my all, hoping that people would reciprocate. I wanted to be the cool kid, the popular one, but slowly it evolved to just wanting people to accept me and like me for who I am, regardless if its a small group of friends. As I have mentioned, I tend to place people on the pedestal and I really put in quite a bit into friendships. I give and give and hope that people will find me trustworthy too. It gets exhausting when I realised, some things are just not within my control. I can be nice and kind or even confide in them, but how they feel about me, is something I can't control. Maybe you can call me clingy, but when I really like someone, even just platonic love, I just want to spend more time with them. I start depending on them, but they don't necessarily need me. My presence might not be appreciated and I get extremely hurt when I'm left out of things. Because they are more important to me than I am to them. However, it takes 2 hands to clap, and sometimes people just don't care enough. I need to accept that fact. People come and go, and when my friend mentioned, "most friendships don't last", I guess I realised I need to let things go more easily. Why am I trying so hard when it seems as though this investment might be a loss rather than a gain.

Looks wise, I know I'm not the prettiest, neither am I skinny enough in society's standards. But my love for food, is just too great for me to go on diets. When my own relative says that I'm fat, of course I get affected. However, for now, I just want to be healthy. Exercise and eat healthily (though this is not really working out halfway through the semester).

I guess its fine to mope a little, but dwelling on such trivial things is not worth it. I guess that's what I learnt, to let go of things I can't control.

Two;

4:10 PM

Stay calm, dear heart.
You have no reason to break apart,
Murmured the brain.


One;

11:49 PM

Late into the night
Mind runs into overdrive
Thoughts breaking the silence
Breaking down the mask
into pieces

personal

Growth

12:58 AM

It didn't occur to me that I could have grown in this short period of time. However, I guess that's what challenges make you do, forces you to step out of your comfort zone and learn. Then, I start to wonder, must we go through pain in order to grow?

personal

Picking Yourself Up From A Rut

9:10 PM


Even Castles made of sand, fall into the sea, eventually.

There have been many times I will fall into a rut and form a pity party for myself, usually during the midst of the school semester when the stress gets overwhelming. I've recently read an article on thoughtcatalog (its pretty addictive even if some articles aren't all that great, but mostly relatable for me), and I agree to the writer's standpoint. (Becca Martin's articles on the site are pretty well written actually) More often than not, I pick at my own flaws and insecurities, I'm not entirely sure if its me overthinking things, but in these situations, I fall into this trap of self-pity and I guess hatred for myself and the world? Be it physical appearance, or times where I feel that I'm not enough, I'll fall into this state of depression (maybe melancholy is a better word, because I don't think I'm depressed? like you just happen to have bad days). I will hide, avoid human interaction and all forms of communication. I guess in a way I'm trying to shy away from the real world and just want to deal with these thoughts alone. I feel lonely sometimes, but yet I want to be alone, its a very bizarre contradiction but that's exactly how I feel. Partially because i'm afraid that people might not understand where I'm coming from, being a hypersensitive person and also I'm not that sure who I can really confide in. 

I guess the article really puts me into perspective, everyone's obsessed with their own problems and they are not obliged to be there for you every single time. Are words of affirmation really enough to settle my insecurities? Is that really what I want? Most of the times, I don't know what I want and that's an issue. Happiness comes from within and not found in other people. The phrase, "other people have it worst than you do", sometimes its like a reminder that hey, you don't deserve to feel upset about such a trivial thing, its like a first world problem and you're being self-centered, but at the same time, don't we all deserve to have our bad days and feel upset about certain things? Nobody is happy 100% of the time, nobody is perfect and we all have our bad days. As much as your friends and family might be able to cheer you up a little, they're not always there by your side, and you have to realise that the only person you can depend on, is yourself. I guess that's a scary thought as well, its not that you cannot trust anyone, but the fact that not everyone can be trusted. However, the real monsters are still the monsters in our heads and I really hope that I can beat those monsters. 

I'm still very lost and I really want to know what my end goals are, this will probably take a while. Well for now, I'll just wish to handle my emotions better and pull myself out of those pity parties I tend to have. 

personal

2016

1:07 AM


How time has flown by, and its already 2017. 2016 hasn't been easy, but it was a year filled with fond memories too. Stepping out of comfort zones, taking up difficult tasks and experiencing new things. One of which was going for an Overseas Community Service Project to Vietnam, and I never regretted it. Met some of the nicest people, and made friends with some! Really happy to have Rebe, Seb and YK in the team and those late night talks and monopoly deal games! Hope our friendship will get stronger and last a long time! (:

 Incredibly thankful for the opportunity to go to China with the school and meeting these people! Even though we aren't extremely close, I'm still incredibly happy for this experience! Picked up running from a friend of mine from this trip and its really great to meet people of different ages and faculties! Found some of the best running buddies and fried chicken buddy as well!


And of course turning 21. Decided not to have a party because, time and money, and the day just passed by like any other. I didn't feel like I've suddenly learnt how to be an adult. And I guess I was slightly disappointed that it was so underwhelming. Still thankful that one group of friends did celebrate the day for me. Turned 21 but I still feel like an emotional wreck, lost and have no idea what I'm doing most of the time.


2016, the year of trying to be fitter and going for my first AND second run! 5km and 10km respectively! Sounds like nothing much but its really a feat for me, considering I hardly even run and exercise before that.


Met up with old friends and feeling blessed to have them in my life. But also wondering, who exactly my true friends are. How do I define close friends. Questions, I have yet know the answer to.


Went for orientation camps as a camp facilitator. Maybe it wasn't entirely the best time, but I didn't regret for trying. It just made me realise, how every person is different and no matter how hard I try, there are times whereby you'll never be able to click with these people. Spent quite a lot of time agonising over this and feeling miserable about it. How much i wanted it to be fun, and how hard I tried to be sociable and make friends. But things don't always work out the way I want it to. And I need to be okay with that. Trying to come to terms with it but its hard.




Taking up a leadership role, even if its not a huge role, but its definitely a huge step for me. There was a lot of self doubt, and I still have insecurities. Worried that i'm not good enough, fear that my team will not like me, having expectations when I know should have none, to minimize disappointments. I'm still working on them and I don't know when i'll ever get over them. Times where I do enjoy what I'm doing but am still overwhelmed by fear. How much I want to be close to people and want people to depend on me but it turns out, my need for affirmation and my insecurities really got my brain to overdrive. When I realised, the real monsters are the monsters in my head. Overthinking got me emotional and sensitive. And I really hate that. 

My intense need for people to like me. How many times, I've actually felt left out, not entirely sure if its caused by my overthinking or it really appears that way. Always putting people on the pedestal and tend to put them of higher importance than i am in their hearts. Wondering if my friends, are actually my true friends, or if I'm even close to them. Somehow I always felt like i'm on the sidelines, watching them instead of being with them. That's when I just want to shut down and close myself off from the world. Because no matter how hard I try, I still feel like I'm alone even with my supposed friends in my life. Not sure if people really know me or if I really know them at all. Sometimes, I just want a hug and someone to ask a simple "How are you?" 



So for this year, I just want to live happily. Stop overthinking things. People don't owe you anything and they are not obliged to care for you. Your own happiness doesn't depend on anyone but yourself. Do the best that you can, and you know what? If these people don't make you happy, leave them out. Work hard in school, focus on the things that are important to you. Don't let every little thing affect you. And so what if you don't have a boyfriend, or maybe your friends are too busy. You have control over your life and your own emotions. Take a break if you need to, exercise and eat healthily for a healthy body and mind. Just breathe. You'll get to where you wanna be eventually. 2017. You're going to be great. Believe in it. Believe in yourself.


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