I've always been a girl who is insecure and lacks confidence. I have no idea why, but ever since I was young, I surround myself with pillows when I sleep and worry about everything. I had teachers who looked down on me and maybe I live behind my sister's shadow? I'm not saying that I'm not proud of my sister's achievements, I'm incredibly proud to have a sister like her, and she has her own setbacks and expectations too. I'm not entirely sure why but I shy away from the limelight and generally, I feel like I'm never enough.

Was talking to my friend the other day, touching on the topic of insecurities and how they bother me a lot more in uni. I get frequent mood swings and I have a hard time dealing with all the emotions. And her response (shown in the picture) really put things into perspective. I have always been juggling with my fear of judgements and I would always get so upset over the fact that I would always give a lot more than I receive, especially in friendships. I would crave "love" and acceptance so much, and give my all, hoping that people would reciprocate. I wanted to be the cool kid, the popular one, but slowly it evolved to just wanting people to accept me and like me for who I am, regardless if its a small group of friends. As I have mentioned, I tend to place people on the pedestal and I really put in quite a bit into friendships. I give and give and hope that people will find me trustworthy too. It gets exhausting when I realised, some things are just not within my control. I can be nice and kind or even confide in them, but how they feel about me, is something I can't control. Maybe you can call me clingy, but when I really like someone, even just platonic love, I just want to spend more time with them. I start depending on them, but they don't necessarily need me. My presence might not be appreciated and I get extremely hurt when I'm left out of things. Because they are more important to me than I am to them. However, it takes 2 hands to clap, and sometimes people just don't care enough. I need to accept that fact. People come and go, and when my friend mentioned, "most friendships don't last", I guess I realised I need to let things go more easily. Why am I trying so hard when it seems as though this investment might be a loss rather than a gain.

Looks wise, I know I'm not the prettiest, neither am I skinny enough in society's standards. But my love for food, is just too great for me to go on diets. When my own relative says that I'm fat, of course I get affected. However, for now, I just want to be healthy. Exercise and eat healthily (though this is not really working out halfway through the semester).

I guess its fine to mope a little, but dwelling on such trivial things is not worth it. I guess that's what I learnt, to let go of things I can't control.